Saxophone Jokes Part II

It was way back in October 2009 that I first had a post about saxophone jokes in this weblog. Given that nearly five years has elapsed since then, I decided it was time to take a trip around the ‘Net and see if I could find some new, current humor.

So without further ado, I present the 2014 collection of some of the best—and worst—saxophone jokes on the ‘Net…

Q – How many sax players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A – Just one, but he keeps messing up and complaining that all his reeds suck.

Q: What do a lawsuit and a saxophone have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Q: What’s the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn’t!

Q: What do you get when you cross a noisy woodwind with a buff horn?
A: A very saxy-phone.

Q: Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes?
A: Because he kept ignoring the key signature. He thought it was just a suggestion.

Q: How are a saxophone and a guillotine similar?
A: 1. They are both lethal.
2. They are both always sharp.
3. They both work best when dropped from high places.

Q: What’s the difference between a sax and a vacuum cleaner?
A: Vacuum cleaners don’t use vibrato.

Q: What’s the difference between a saxophone and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner before it sucks.

Q: What is the definition of a half step?
A: Two altos playing in unison.

Q: What do a saxophone and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

Conn Naked Lady engraving, saxophone bell, "hornography", sax porn, saxophone jokes

Source: getasax on eBay.com

Q: What do you call a Conn Naked Lady?
A: Hornography!

Q: What are trumpets made out of?
A: Leftover saxophone parts.

Q: How is a tenor sax solo like a sneeze?
A: You can tell it’s coming, but you can’t do anything about it.

Q: What do you call a perfect pitch?
A: A saxophone landing in the middle of a dumpster!

Q: How do you define a perfect pitch?
A: Throwing an alto sax in a toilet from 20 feet with out hitting the rim.

Q: What’s the difference between a tenor sax player and a macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious, and noisy, and the other is a bird.

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Q: What’s the difference between a jazz saxophonist and savings bonds?
A: The savings bonds will actually mature and make money.

Q: What is the best recording of the Creston Saxophone Sonata?
A: Music Minus One.

A man walks into a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looks at the selections:
Flute Brains $1/pound
Percussion Brains $5/pound
Tuba Brains $10/pound
Saxophone Brains $100/pound
He asks the butcher why saxophone brains are so expensive. The butcher replied, “Do you know how many saxophone players you have to kill to get a pound of brains?”

Q: What did the saxophone player get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.

Q: What’s the least used sentence in the English language?
A: Isn’t that the bass sax player’s Porsche?

Q: What’s the difference between a saxophonist and a lawnmower?
A: A lawnmower cuts grass; a sax player smokes it.

A Belgian invented the saxophone in 1846 as a joke. The Americans still haven’t got it.

Q: Five saxophonists are going to a gig in a six-seater SUV. The SUV crashes and all the players die. Why isn’t this a tragedy?
A: There could have been one more seat filled.

Q: What’s the best form of birth control for sax players?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What’s the difference between a tenor sax solo and a bottomless pit?
A: It’s reasonable to hope that a bottomless pit won’t go on forever.

Q: How do you get a jazz tenor to play softer?
A: Give him some music.

Q: What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead saxophonist in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.

There is a man on a boat that is in a shipwreck. The boat crashes on a jungle island and the man is greeted by natives. In the distance he hears the sound of drums. He asks what the drums are for, and the chief answers: “The drums must not stop.” The man is forced to stay the night in the natives village. All through the night the drums keep on going, so he got no sleep at all. He got up in the morning and went to the chief again, begging him to know why the drums couldn’t stop. The chief answered, “Because when drum solo stop, sax solo start.”

Q: how do you increase the aerodynamics of a sax player’s car?
A: take off the domino’s pizza sign.

Q: How many baritone sax players does it take to pop popcorn?
A: Two. One to hold the popper, and one to shake the stove.

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of alto players.
They called down to ground control with their list of demands, and added that if their demands weren’t met, they would release one alto player every hour.

Q: What’s the difference between a soprano sax and a cat in heat?
A: Not much, really.

…this is just my blog. My “real” website is www.bassic-sax.info. If you’re looking for sax info, you should check it out too.There’s lots there!

A Pierret Trumpet: That’s Different

The other day one of the Moderators over on the Woodwind Forum saw this interesting oddity on eBay: a Pierret trumpet.

trumpet, trumpet mouthpiece, Pierret trumpet, Selmer trumpet mouthpiece

Source: giacas71 on eBay.com

If you think this is odd, you’re not alone. Ever since I started researching vintage saxophones—way back in 1998—I have come to believe that Pierret was a saxophone-only manufacturer. Furthermore, until this Pierret-branded trumpet popped up, I had never seen any instrument other than saxophones with the Pierret name on it.

Unfortunately the seller could shed no light into this enigma. This is what he wrote about this Pierret trumpet:

VENDO UNA RARA TROMBA SEMIPROFESSIONALE PIERRET PARIS IN SIb E DO (BASTA METTERE O TOGLIERE LA POMPA AUSILIARIA

COMPRESA E VISIBILE NELLA TERZA FOTO), VENDUTA CON UN BELLISSIMO BOCCHINO SEMINUOVO SELMER PARIS 3S, MADE IN

FRANCE. LA TROMBA E’ STATA APPENA REVISIONATA E CONTROLLATA DA RIPARATORE: TUTTE LE POMPE SONO PERFETTAMENTE

FUNZIONANTI, COMPRESSIONE OTTIMA ED E’ E’ PRONTA ALL’USO; CUSTODIA COMPRESA.

POSSIBILITA’ DI SCONTO DEL 10%…..MILLE GRAZIE

ENGLISH: PIERRET PARIS Bb/C TRUMPET , READY TO PLAY; INCLUDED HARD CASE AND SELMER PARIS 3S MOUTHPIECE. THANKS

Google Translate says:

I AM SELLING A RARE TRUMPET IN PARIS SEMIPROFESSIONAL PIERRET Bb And DO (OR JUST PUT OFF THE PUMP INCLUDING AUXILIARY

AND VISIBLE IN THE THIRD PHOTO), SOLD WITH A BEAUTIFUL SEMINUOVO MOUTHPIECE SELMER PARIS 3S, MADE IN FRANCE. THE

TRUMPET AND ‘JUST BEEN REBUILT AND CONTROLLED BY REPAIR: ALL PUMPS ARE PERFECTLY WORKING, GOOD COMPRESSION AND’

AND ‘READY; CASE INCLUDED. POSSIBILITY ‘OF 10% DISCOUNT ….. THANK YOU SO MUCH

See what I mean? There’s no help about the history of the brand vis-à-vis trumpets, or any other instruments.

If you’re a trumpet player who happens to land on my site, perhaps the photos will help you ID this horn. Here are the remainder of the photos of this Pierret trumpet.

If you can shed any light onto the origins of this Pierret trumpet, please drop me a note. Thanks!

Originally when I saw this horn, I came up with 3 possible explanations for its existence:

  1. This is a one-off. Perhaps Pierret was just experimenting with other instruments made of brass, to see if it was something that they might want to/or could do.
  2. This is a stencil horn. Maybe Pierret just ordered some trumpets, and/or other instruments, from other manufacturers to see if they could sell them. Or perhaps they had an order to outfit a military band or school with all its instruments, so they ordered a full band of instruments from other manufacturers.
  3. It’s a fake. Although why anyone would engrave a fake Pierret trumpet, when Pierret was known to make only saxophones, seems rather stupid to me. But hey, not all fraudsters are brilliant. (This seems like the least likely explanation in my mind.)

Whatever it is, or wherever it really came from, there’s a chance that we’ll likely never know for sure. Until such a time an answer for the origins of this Pierret Trumpet are found, it will be a footnote on the Pierret page of my website.

If you are interested in acquiring this Pierret trumpet for your very own, be aware that it is in Italy. The auction ends on July 22. The Buy It Now price is listed as €419.00, which xe.com currently estimates to be $566.32.

…this is just my blog. My “real” website is www.bassic-sax.info. If you’re looking for sax info, you should check it out too.There’s lots there!

My Adventures With GoDaddy: Part 1

GoDaddy: 20 months of hosting later. Jury’s Out.

Mimi, borzoi, russian wolf hound, wind hound, black and white dog, dog on couch,

My favourite girl, “Mimi”, on the couch. She’s 10 1/2 years old.

Over the past couple of weeks you might have noticed that I haven’t exactly deluged you with a wealth of saxophone-related information. There is a good reason for this. No, I haven’t given up playing sax. Nor have I given up writing about the instrument that takes up a big chunk of our lives. And although I was away in the US visiting my friends and hanging out with my favourite bitch—calm down everyone, I mean that it the literal sense, Mimi is a bitch—I still had sax on the brain.

The problem is that what I have in my brain, and what I am able to commit to virtual paper are two different things. Over the past couple of weeks I have been having problems with my hosting company… again.

Does this sound familiar? If you’re a long-time reader of my website, you’ll likely remember the cluster f!*# that happened in November 2012, and was finally resolved in January 2013.

At the time my website was hosted on Lunar Pages, who, after hosting my site for 12 years, decided one day to take my site offline with no warning, because it was too popular. After days that turned into weeks of hassles with that jerk-off of a hosting company, I did a lot of research, and moved my site to GoDaddy. (Actually I didn’t move it, rather a friend did. BTW, he still suffers from PTSD from the episode because the site is so big, and has so many different components to it.)

Everything has been more or less fine with GoDaddy until about two weeks ago when I started having a lot of problems uploading content to my website. Coincidentally, it all started after I uploaded the major updates to the Pierret Galleries on Bassic Sax Pix. Coincidence? Maybe, or maybe not.

Side Bar:

Even while I was writing this just now, I suddenly got a 500 error pop up on my screen. Weird…

Back to my current GoDaddy dilemma…

I’ve been on the phone to GoDaddy a total of three times over the past couple of weeks. First I was told that the problems were caused by a spike in the server traffic, and that their techs were working on it. No my site was not the culprit. The issue should be cleared up within a couple of days.

Four days or so later the problems persisted so I called again. This time I was told that yes, there was a spike in the server traffic, but my site was also problematic. I was told I was running too many plugins—the little bits of software that give my site its functionality both in front, and behind the scenes.

The problem is that at least half of my plugins are used to keep my website free of spam and prevent hackers from attacking it. Without these important pieces of software, my websites would be extremely vulnerable.

The second call ended with me being told that they were “working on the traffic issue”. Fast forward a few more days, and I’m still crashing my site whenever I try and post an article to it, or try to delete comment spam. Again I’m on the phone to GoDaddy’s technical department…

This time the tech I’m talking to digs deeper and tries some different things. He does see that I’m doing everything I can do protect both my site and their servers from attack. He says that yes, my site is very popular, and that at some point I might consider switching to a virtual private server. Whoa… Hit those brakes. What did you just say to me?

When I signed up with GoDaddy I gave them the full stats on my Lunar Pages account, which had more traffic then, than my GoDaddy one has now I might add. (Those 7 weeks offline really hurt my Google rankings.) I was assured that I did not need anything special, and that GoDaddy’s best shared server environment would do for my needs.

Fast forward 20 months, and it seems things have changed a bit. Now GoDaddy’s tech guy suggests I consider a virtual private server? :wtf:   How did we get here?

Well it seems that the CMS I use, WordPress, uses a lot of PHP memory, and blah, blah, blah… You can pretty much figure out the rest.

I’m at a loss what to do, since I’m still getting the error messages, and still crashing my site, despite this last tech making some changes for me, and me making the changes he suggested. Yes, GoDaddy is still working on getting the traffic on the server under control as well.

Luckily it’s summer and the weather is hot, and there is lots to keep me amused. I’m hopeful that GoDaddy will get the heavy traffic issue on the server under control in the next little while. In the meantime, I’ll just continue on not doing a whole lot of writing about saxophones.   :pissed:

…this is just my blog. My “real” website is www.bassic-sax.info. If you’re looking for sax info, you should check it out too.There’s lots there!